Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
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of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.