Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
You Might Also Like
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
Autocorrect completely socks
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave