@pilau

Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.

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@copymama

Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.

@KentWGraham

I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.

@mommajessiec

It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.

@PleaseBeGneiss

Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes

Informant: why?

Me: for spilling the beans

Informant: I didn’t-

Me: shut your fern gully

Informant: what

Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy

Informant: ok now you’re making these up

Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur

@BackrowSeats

Take a deep breath. Good. Now count to 10. Right. Now slap someone in their face. Nice. Feel better?

@Beagz

There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.

There’s also a horrible time.

Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*

@Storminika

I asked a blonde friend to check if my blinker was working, her reply was ‘Yes, it is. No, it’s not. Yes, it is. No, it’s not.’

@JanineEB4

My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.

@mrtiredeyes

friend: wanna see a magic trick

person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you