Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.

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Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.


I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.


It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.


Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes

Informant: why?

Me: for spilling the beans

Informant: I didn’t-

Me: shut your fern gully

Informant: what

Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy

Informant: ok now you’re making these up

Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur


Take a deep breath. Good. Now count to 10. Right. Now slap someone in their face. Nice. Feel better?


There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.

There’s also a horrible time.

Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*


I asked a blonde friend to check if my blinker was working, her reply was ‘Yes, it is. No, it’s not. Yes, it is. No, it’s not.’


My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.


friend: wanna see a magic trick

person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you