Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
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Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
“Not Wally, Not Wally, Not Wally, Not Wally, Not Wally, Not Wally, Not Wally, Not Wally, Wally, Not Wally…” Where’s Wally Audiobook
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
If you ever wake up naked on your neighbour’s lawn, just pretend you’re a werewolf.