Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
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An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all