@WilliamAder

Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.

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@theshantilly

Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.

@nyquills

Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure

Bilbo: no

Gandalf: can i come in for tea

Bilbo: also no

Gandalf: dinner with my friends?

Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me

Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want

@iRowlf

When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”

@sirchutney

“Not Wally, Not Wally, Not Wally, Not Wally, Not Wally, Not Wally, Not Wally, Not Wally, Wally, Not Wally…” Where’s Wally Audiobook

@lmwortho

My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.

@mrjohndarby

[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS

@bossy_bootz

Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail

@Ygrene

Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise

Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper

@bossy_bootz

What i said : I really like this song

What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes

@xLiserx

If you ever wake up naked on your neighbour’s lawn, just pretend you’re a werewolf.