I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
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People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
*pronounces patio like ratio
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
I love it all
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts