@crushingbort

“Yesterday you were 3 Chainz and now it’s 5 Chainz,” Janet cried. “Where does it stop?”
8 Chainz frowned. “14 Chainz doesn’t have time for

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@TheBoydP

Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.

@GuyAdvisor

Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.

@TheresNoGodzila

*gets on 1 knee*

Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?

Her: Please get off my knee

@cjwerleman

Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.

@Bob_Janke

if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married

@ArfMeasures

[Inventing Squash]

FRIEND: What are you doing?

ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall

FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I

@BoomBoomBetty

*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees

“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”

This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.

@Book_Krazy

Nick’s coming over

Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?

*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE

@bourgeoisalien

Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.

@bxllaneira

I lost money and friends this year, I just want the money back.