Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
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i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
Not all heroes wear capes.
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.