Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
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I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
I already tried new things thanks.
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
No, YOUR illiterate.
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT