I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
You Might Also Like
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
ACED my prostate exam!
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.