*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
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H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
Feels like the fourth month in January
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes