Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
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Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
who did the taste test?
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
shit just got real
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back