@AmishPornStar1

Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?

Hitler

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@Underchilde

Wore a hospital gown to work today and faked a cough for 5 minutes, and they said I could have the break room all to myself.

@gayIorswift13

At one of her meet and greets, Taylor Swift met a young boy who complimented her writing. He went on to say that he also wanted to be a writer, but his friends bullied him for it. Taylor made him promise to ignore them and follow his dreams.
That boy’s name? William Shakespeare.

@krissywillbretz

A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.

@_SetTheHook_

So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?

@AdamShaftoe

Soooooo I have been writing reviews for about ten years. My wife’s review of Alien puts everything I have ever written to shame.

“Alien is a movie where nobody listens to the smart woman, and then they all die except for the smart woman and her cat. Four stars.”

@AlmightyBored

What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?

@ClichedOut

Amazon problems:

1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size

@titletown__

It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.

Yeah, I’ll go with that.

@hiplingo

Follow your dream, then Unfollow it if it doesn’t Follow you back within 48 hours.