Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
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taking June’s advice to heart
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.