Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?


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Wore a hospital gown to work today and faked a cough for 5 minutes, and they said I could have the break room all to myself.


At one of her meet and greets, Taylor Swift met a young boy who complimented her writing. He went on to say that he also wanted to be a writer, but his friends bullied him for it. Taylor made him promise to ignore them and follow his dreams.
That boy’s name? William Shakespeare.


A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.


So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?


Soooooo I have been writing reviews for about ten years. My wife’s review of Alien puts everything I have ever written to shame.

“Alien is a movie where nobody listens to the smart woman, and then they all die except for the smart woman and her cat. Four stars.”


What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?


Amazon problems:

1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size


It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.

Yeah, I’ll go with that.


Follow your dream, then Unfollow it if it doesn’t Follow you back within 48 hours.