Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
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When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
never forget
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
Left at a local drug store…
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.