Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
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Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum