Me:I think I just saw the main guy from Transformers you know, ol’ what’s his name
Friend: Shia Lebouff
Me: Yeah, the one whose a truck
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MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
baby shoes, never worn.
should have bought adult shoes.
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
Had pumpkin flavored coffee this morning and immediately signed up for a Zumba class and kidnapped 2 kids and drove them to a soccer field
Your secrets safe with me..
I stopped listening to you 30 minutes ago…
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
PEPSI: We made the biggest PR blunder of any major company this year.
UNITED: Hold my beer.