@rad_milk

yo LA chill out with your restaurant names

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@shutupmikeginn

Me:I think I just saw the main guy from Transformers you know, ol’ what’s his name
Friend: Shia Lebouff
Me: Yeah, the one whose a truck

@theguywitheyes

MY BODY: You should exercise

ME: That sounds good

MY BODY: Because it’s heathy

ME: Yeah!

MY BODY: And makes you feel good

ME: Definitely!

MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!

ME: I’m lost

@Shen_the_Bird

god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean

angel: sounds fearsome

god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave

@McNevich

Had pumpkin flavored coffee this morning and immediately signed up for a Zumba class and kidnapped 2 kids and drove them to a soccer field

@CrissieC

Your secrets safe with me..

I stopped listening to you 30 minutes ago…

@david8hughes

Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts

@NurseMurderer

I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.

@Gupton68

[having sex]

me: *finishing first* I win again!

wife: you really don’t

@Mikel_Jollett

PEPSI: We made the biggest PR blunder of any major company this year.

UNITED: Hold my beer.