yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
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oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
I just love that new Pope smell.
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
Friday
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised