If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
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Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
“our sushi is very fresh”
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap