Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
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the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks