Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
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[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
[eulogy]
line?
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
Same pineapple, same
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.