Me: There’s nothing better than a quiet evening out with friends after a hectic week.
Tequila: We’re gonna fight every girl in this bar!
Yo son, do you like nachos?
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
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Apparently, if she’s refused to speak to you for two days your text should not be ‘Why are you mad again?’
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
My ceiling fan has three setting:
– very slow
– I’m about to detach from the ceiling and kill you in a freak ceiling fan accident
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”