@OBiiieeee

Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol

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@caribbeanaj

Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat

@perhapssomeday

No one who heard me talking to my dog would assume that English is my first language.

@Browtweaten

Date: I like to take things slow

Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I

@GrantTanaka

*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”

@shopkins776

Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”

Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”

@bdbdleeroybrown

My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.

@KeetPotato

[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen