Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol

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[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason


WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?

ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?


WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*


Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. But why are you walking around giving men fish? That’s weird, dude.


wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what


I’m sorry I started making smores while your house was burning down


Canadian whiskey is just whiskey that apologizes for your hangover in the morning


All my scars & bruises tell a story.

The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.


The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom