@caribbeanaj
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
@OBiiieeee
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
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@caribbeanaj
@perhapssomeday
No one who heard me talking to my dog would assume that English is my first language.
@Browtweaten
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
@omgthatspunny
I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
@GrantTanaka
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
@shopkins776
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
@blamingboredom
Seals are just dog mermaids.
@bdbdleeroybrown
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
@KeetPotato
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
@CrapLocalNews
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