Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
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Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente