Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
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Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
this was the best i’ve ever seen
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.