Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
You Might Also Like
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
He’s cranky this morning
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?