Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
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Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
#NeverForget
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here