Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
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my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.