Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.

Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.

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Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.


I saw a man at the beach screaming, “Help, shark, help!” I laughed because I knew the shark wasn’t going to help him.


The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?


I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.


If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.


If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.


Him: do you swallow

Me: Yes

*walks away mumbling. How else do you think I eat. Idiot


Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too


Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me

Genie: okay

Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel

Genie: k…

Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s


Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂

Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*


Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.