Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
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I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.