Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
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Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
I hate my earbuds.
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill