Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
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Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!