Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
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Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.