I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
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Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
Romantic comedies are just horror movies where people only die on the inside.
Also, my wife doesn’t let me pick movies for date night.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
You’re one in vermillion!
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
*Trying to come up with the most romantic thing I could possibly say*
You’re like if my friend Brent was a girl.