@sofarrsogud

YOGA CLASS

INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog

*loud thud

GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.

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@Mirimade

I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.

@Donna_McCoy

Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.

@Jamberee13

Angel: So the sins are deadly.

God: Yep!

Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?

God: Well, no.

Angel: So why call them deadly?

God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?

@jergarl

Romantic comedies are just horror movies where people only die on the inside.

Also, my wife doesn’t let me pick movies for date night.

@KateWhineHall

Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.

@daemonic3

[gf comes home after spray tanning]

Hey, orange you looking good!

“Thanks”

Anytime, pumpkin!

“You’re sweet”

You’re one in vermillion!

@TheTweetOfGod

Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.

@alexmeyerrr

A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram

@thenatewolf

*Trying to come up with the most romantic thing I could possibly say*

You’re like if my friend Brent was a girl.