YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
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Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*