If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
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I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.