13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
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JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.