@Nikkeya08

Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose

Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger

YI:

Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite

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@JosesLovesYou

Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”

@BuckyIsotope

Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.

@1MeLrO

If you can’t call your kid at 8:30 in the morning from the next bedroom to bring you a drink

What’s the point of them having a cell phone

@EndhooS

[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]

@Rollinintheseat

My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”

@Merman_Melville

Moby-Dick is cool if you like stopping in the middle of a story about murdering a smart whale to think about all the different kinds of rope

@comedylopez

People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.

@EnvysDeadNana

I’m not above apologizing for my drunken behavior I’m just sick of repeating myself

@DanaSchwartzzz

If you pay me $50 I’ll show up to your funeral but stand really far away, holding a black umbrella regardless of the weather, so that people think you died with a dark and interesting secret.