Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
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Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?