Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
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Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
If you can’t call your kid at 8:30 in the morning from the next bedroom to bring you a drink
What’s the point of them having a cell phone
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
Moby-Dick is cool if you like stopping in the middle of a story about murdering a smart whale to think about all the different kinds of rope
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
I’m not above apologizing for my drunken behavior I’m just sick of repeating myself
I kid you not.
If you pay me $50 I’ll show up to your funeral but stand really far away, holding a black umbrella regardless of the weather, so that people think you died with a dark and interesting secret.