[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
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– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.