@JohnMayer

Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.

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@joe_binkley

“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”

“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”

@leshnevsky

Today I played dead with my 5yo nephew. He cried for 5 seconds, then grabbed my iPhone and run away.

@sad_tree

*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so

@StarksWeek

I’ve been known to drive women crazy with my tongue.

*never shuts the hell up*

@TheNewsAtGlenn

[FIRST DATE]

ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.

@noneofyours99

SO! If the Englandy people are called English
Then us Americany people should be called Americish

That is all

@ThugRaccoons

Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.

Me: Don’t push me.

Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?

Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.

@causticbob

Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.

@Dutch_50

Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.