Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
You Might Also Like
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
me after drinking all the wine:
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me