Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
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yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*