Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
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Twitter is proof that 1000 monkeys on 1000 typewriters will not eventually write anything close to Shakespeare.
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
Tom work hard.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.