If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
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If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)