Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
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My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.