I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
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If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
This is my pinned tweet
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.