I may be ugly but I used to be uglier
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
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Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
[taco bell 2am]
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
When people say “You look so familiar” responding with “Were we in prison together?” is almost always a conversation killer.
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy