Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
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7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
Dishonest mechanic?
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
Just so funny
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
what’s really going on
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.