@SharkJelly

Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey

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@Bob_Janke

Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.

@Big_Cat74

[taco bell 2am]

*lethally stoned*

me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”

@Average_Dad1

Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want

Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though

Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN

Me and kid:

@TweetPotato314

mom: how was the ballgame

me: they showed sex on tv

mom: what?

dad: he means the kiss cam

me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that

@Cpin42

It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.

@melpraktis

When people say “You look so familiar” responding with “Were we in prison together?” is almost always a conversation killer.

@TheBoydP

Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…