You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
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Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
Wasps: bees, but not helping
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me