You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
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*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
Squirrels before girls.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
he’s doing your taxes
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.