Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
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11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
Safety first
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.