you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
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*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap