I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
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You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.