@pixelatedboat

You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products

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@Cheeseboy22

I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.

@ThatThunderMan

You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think

“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?

@Reverend_Scott

customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?

me: [looks over at dog] that is correct

@batkaren

HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES

– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries

– find them 3 months later

– look both ways

– slip them into the trash

@lovemydogduck

I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.

@markydoodoo

[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]

Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.

-Bowser K.

@GoodZiIIa

[police stakeout]

me: suspect spotted

partner: again, that’s a dalmation

@PleaseBeGneiss

DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?

ME: that’s literally all I drink

@Marcmywords2

If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.