You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
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eating my hot dog hamburger style
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.