You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
You Might Also Like
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
Simple
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.