[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
You agree to sound convincing when you lie about changing and I agree to believe you. Formalities over, let’s get this relationship started.
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*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
“Hippos are actually more dangerous than crocodiles and sharks combined.” – Moron who clearly hasn’t pictured a Crocoshark.