@david8hughes: Juror: we find the defendant guilty Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn't Judge: he has a point

@gerryhatric: A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds. He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.

@TheDailySchmuck: First, Ray Rice. Now, Adrian Peterson. The prison football league is going to be off the chain this year.

@JimGaffigan: GOALS FOR MORNING: Run Clean up Hang w/ kids Workout Write Get organized Respond to emails Return calls SO FAR: Wrote this About to nap

@: I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room. Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night. I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort. They’re all grounded.