friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
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“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
Still a very good boi….