Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
You Might Also Like
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
Warm pools make me nervous.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle