yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
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FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?