You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
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[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”