If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
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Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.