You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
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I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met