you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
You Might Also Like
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
lot going on here, legally speaking.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
Taliband
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie