you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
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What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
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Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.