you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
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Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
B
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
the prophecy has been fulfilled
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?